I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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