it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
