You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
