You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
