the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
