i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
