apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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