Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
