I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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