I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
