The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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