I think I won the penis lottery.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
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