on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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