piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
