fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
