I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
