Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
