Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
