Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Randomize
