I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
The beer is more important than you right now.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
