Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Randomize
