My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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