Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
