So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
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