I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
