so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
