Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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