There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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