i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
