Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
