someone threw a dead crab at me
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
