It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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