I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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