Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
