Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
i now understand why vodka
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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