it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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