the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
