guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Randomize
