dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
We're too hungover to prance.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
