i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
