Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
