how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
