Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
