shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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