mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
