Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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