Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
