OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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