am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
