When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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